LIGHT FROM THE DARK MIND

On Days I Do Not Love Myself On days I do not love myself, grief shows up at my front door like an uninvited guest.It touches the walls of my apartment, disrupts the silence that once existed in its confines and tries to break into it. It sits through lunch with me and offers to buy me coffee. It won’t seem to go away and for some reason; I find myself being unable to say no. Suddenly, waffles don’t taste as good as they did. Coffee tasted a lot more bitter than it did yesterday. On days I do not love myself, a wounded heart carries itself inside my home. Like a soldier who just arrived from the battlefield. It tells me that there are wounds inside each one of us no one knows about. Some days, great stories of valor are born from it. Other days, there is the lingering trauma of the war that dwindles. I learned something that day. Loneliness comes after, making its presence known in the cold, flameless fireplace. Its presence is so prominent I can feel it crawl under my s...

Don’t Be Afraid To Talk To Yourself Sometimes It’s ok to not feel ok. We’ve all been down this road when stresses of life– big or small– become too overwhelming and then leave us literally frozen in action. Helpless. It’s a weird feeling when you feel helpless, worse when you are completely not in control and feel the walls closing in on you. It’s a spiral down the rabbit hole and you have nothing to grab onto and you don’t see the end of the tunnel. I cannot speak for everyone’s experiences and distresses but I can say that this feeling is temporary. Just breathe. Personally, I have a few tricks that I do on my own to get over this overwhelming feeling. Even as someone who has a great network of friends and as someone who loves the social space, I still find it hard to open up to people. It truly takes a lot for me to really let the raw emotions and unfiltered thoughts out, even to my closest friends. I rationalize my implicit actions as not wanting to burden others...

MAYBE FOR A MOMENT I WILL BE DIRECTIONLESS We’re so obsessed with knowing. Knowing who we are. Knowing where we’re going. Knowing how the future will play out, or who we will fall in love with. Knowing what we’re meant to do or where we’re supposed to end up. Knowing the person we should be, the person we are, the person we will become. We want to know everything. And so much of my life has been lived that way – searching, looking, wanting. I’ve been on a constant loop – a record on repeat – scratching the vinyl, droning on and on in seamless static. I keep thinking that if I try hard enough, if I push myself a little more, I’ll figure this whole thing out. I’ll understand what path I’m supposed to be walking on, what steps I’m supposed to take. I’ve always been one to plan, to lay out the map before me and plot out a route. When it comes to the unknown, I’ve struggled.  I want to know. I want to understand. I want to choose. But what I’ve realized is I don’t have...

An Ode To Vulnerability I get it. Vulnerability is a lot easier to preach than it is to practice. Deciding to bare your soul is one of the riskiest things you can do in a relationship. It opens you up to criticism. It leaves you with nothing to hide behind or to take cover underneath. But if you want to truly engage in a long-term relationship, you need to stop running. You need to stop hiding. Love is a trust fall, one that can be terrifying. Once you begin to fall, you lose control. You can't ever know whether the other person will ultimately keep you safe or let you hit the ground. It's the uncertainty that sends you reeling as far away from the idea of emotional transparency as you can possibly get. There's a lot at stake; namely, your own heart. It's easy to retreat, to want to hold onto some of your own power, to deny the fact that you've placed so much of your faith into someone else. But the act of trust, that suspension of disbelief, is what l...

 Don’t Let The Fear Of Failure Stop You From Trying  Society puts so much emphasis on success that it prevents many of us from going after our dreams – from going after what makes us happy, what put shivers down our spines, and butterflies in our stomachs. The need to succeed is so fundamental in our minds that it’s terrifying for many of us to try at all. I don’t let the fear of failure stop me from trying anymore. I take risks. Some may call it crazy because I get hurt more than the average person, but I find it liberating. I don’t have to live with that dull, constant pain of not knowing. I don’t have to live with the what-ifs. I dedicate my free time to my wildest dreams, even when I know the chances of success are slim. I don’t hesitate to put myself out there, even when I know I’ll be made fun of because people are all too often expected to hide the intensity of their minds. And I fight for my relationships until there is not an ounce of hope l...

Be You, For You We all have this intrinsic and innate need to be accepted. We need to feel like we belong somewhere. I believe it’s an integral of our human nature because somewhere subconsciously we know that connectedness is the way humans thrive. Despite it being a literal part of our human make-up, I want you to deviate from it. I want you to learn when to listen to that innate sense and when not to. I believe that it can misguide us, lead us to believe that we can’t fit in or that we have to change in order to be a part of something. This is an ill thinking pattern that we have adapted to because we thought we had to because we didn’t know anything else. My personal experience with shedding this mindset resulted in losing friendships, throwing out half my closet, reading more fucking books, healing my family history, openly sharing my poetry, a lot of alone time, time away from my phone, ending a relationship, and extreme reflection. I know some of...

This Is Why Passion ate Girls Come Across As Clingy She texts first and initiates dates and blurts out how she feels. But that doesn’t mean she’s clingy. She’s not going to wilt without your love. She can survive on her own. She’s perfectly capable of lasting the weekend without a hot date and eating a dinner cooked for one. This girl isn’t desperate. She’s passionate. She would rather come on too strong than too weak. She would rather admit that she cares than pretend that she’s heartless. She isn’t interested in games. Sending mixed signals. Playing hard to get. Trying to trick someone into liking her by being a watered down version of herself. In her mind, it’s better to text back after two seconds than two hours. It’s better to make plans than act like she’s too busy to see you. It’s better to admit how much she likes you than to hint about her feelings for months. Why lie? Why pretend? Why not take a leap and speak fro...

Overthinking Will Chase Away Your Forever Person Overthinking will ruin your relationship, because it means you are not talking to each other. It means you are assuming what your person meant when they sent a certain text or used a certain tone. It means that instead of feeling comfortable enough to ask them a question to get clarification, you are choosing to guess what has been running through their mind to avoid a conversation. Overthinking will chase away your forever person because it makes it look like you think the worst of them. You are probably paranoid due to your own insecurities , but it doesn’t seem that way from their point of view. If you are worried they are cheating every time they come home late and worried they are making fun of you every time they smile at their phone — then it looks like you don’t trust them. It looks like you think they are heartless and willing to hurting you. If this person really is your forever, then you should be ...

 We are girls with anxiety. We are girls with anxiety. The type that experiences emotional exhaustion we can’t even explain because we spend so much time thinking and planning and overthinking and apologizing and replaying scenarios in our minds wondering about different outcomes. We are girls with anxiety. The type that has calendars booked and appointments set months in advance. The type who has everything color coded and organized and on some list that we always seem to accomplish even if it means losing sleep to get whatever we need done. We’d rather do that than ever disappoint anyone or disappoint ourselves. The type that never says no to people. The type that is always on time or speeding to get there so we are, as we curse at red lights under our breath. We are girls with anxiety. The type that stays up at night and doesn’t sleep more than 5-6 hours because our minds never stop racing. We replay the past like it’s some catchy true that gets stuck...

This Is Why I Write   Writing is how I express myself. It’s how I make sense of the world I live in and the thoughts that I have . I write to find my voice – the voice that doesn’t always speak the truth to people but find its authenticity on paper. I write to try to understand the person that lives inside me, the person that confuses me sometimes and comforts me every now and then. I write to share my stories. The stories that actually happened and the stories that I wished had happened. I write to live my dreams through my words as if by reading them I can actually believe them. I write to forget certain people, or maybe I write to remember them. I write to connect with strangers, to make new friends and to know that I’m not alone. I write to expose the vulnerability that I try to curb every day. I write to free   myself. I write to let people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I write about my past to remember ...

The Strongest Girls Have A Loved One In Heaven She knows what pain feels like. Not just the pain of getting dumped or ghosted or cheated on. She’s experienced extreme heartache. The type of heartache that can’t be repaired with a drunken text or a rebound boy. The type of heartache where the person you’re missing is never coming back. She’s strong, because she made a connection with someone — someone beautiful, breathtaking. Someone that deserved to live a long, healthy life free of hurt. But that person was ripped away from her. She didn’t get enough time with them. Didn’t say everything she should have. It’s unfair, but she’s learned to accept that’s the way life is. The universe doesn’t play favorites. And that’s okay, even though it’s not really okay at all. Her strength was tested the day she found out the news — and every day since then. She’s questioned herself. Questioned the meaning of life. Questioned whatever God she believes...

When You Find The Right Person, Everything Will Fall Into Place Ever since I can remember, I’ve seen the world through wondering eyes. I believe the mere fact that we are alive is extraordinary. I’ve always had too many questions, too many thoughts, but not too many words. I usually keep to myself. It’s always been hard for me to open up because people are quick to judge before trying to simply listen and understand. Ever since I can remember I’ve had a strong desire to build deeper connections with people, I crave relationships that feed my mind and soul. People I can relate to but also people who will teach me new things. I get bored easily, and if I’m not feeling someone, I simply cut them off. Due to this, I was scared I was never going to truly fall in love with someone. Previous experiences left me with not only trust issues, but with reduced hope. Last year, without expecting it, I fell in love for the first time. I found someone who I felt easily comfortable wi...

"WRITE IT DOWN" whatever ‘it’ is to you whatever is weighing on your mind whatever is holding you back. allow yourself to be uncomfortable with yourself your life your situation. allow yourself to be completely vulnerable. write it all down don’t leave out any parts about how you’re feeling, not even the uncomfortable thoughts. now is the time to be open and honest and raw. look at it, read it, then crumple it up. now, light it on fire and watch it burn. watch the hate burn the dissatisfaction the voices telling you you’re not good enough. watch it all burn in front of your eyes and breathe out deeply. realize you don’t have to be here you don’t have to be stuck you can leave you can move on you can live the life you’ve always wanted, you have a choice. you always have a choice. you can do better you can do more, it just comes down to you. you’ve always been in control, you’ve just never realized it. now let it go, let i...

Sometimes The Reason Why You Can’t Let Go Is Because You’ve Lost Sight Of Who You Are You can’t let them go because even though they are no longer in your life, you are keeping them alive in your mind. It’s been weeks, months, maybe even years, since things have changed. The text messages that used to put a smile on your face. The late-night phone calls you stayed up and waited for. The inside jokes that never got any less funny. The videos they tagged you in whenever something reminded them of you. The kisses that always left you wanting more. They all stopped coming through-gone for good. But, that hasn’t stopped you from re-reading every old conversation a hundred times. It hasn’t changed the fact that you still lie wide awake at 2 A.M with your phone on loud beside your pillow. It doesn’t explain why you still smile to yourself when you think of something they once said. It doesn’t delete all of the posts you share on Facebook or Instagram just so that they’ll see, in ho...

How Is A Depressed Person Supposed To Behave? How is a depressed person supposed to act? Who is a depressed person? If you ask the movies, most of them might say a person with depression is an introverted, shy, bullied, suicidal underdog who could’ve been saved to neurotypical-ness if the person they loved just loved them back. If you ask the poems, most of them might say a person with depression is a narcissistic, eccentric, one-of-a-kind tortured artist longing for acceptance, for purpose, for something other than the empty every day.  But what if you’re depressed yet still able to tweet dumb, hilarious, self-deprecating jokes? What if you’re depressed yet still go about your daily routine? What if you’re depressed yet still attend parties? Although the stigma of mental health has decreased, the romanticization and stereotypes of mentally ill people – especially those with depression – seem to remain the same. Depression manifests itself in many forms. Rarely d...

I Wish I Could Say You Didn’t Break Me I loved you even when your dirty hands felt like sandpaper and when your promises thinned out into water vapor. I loved you even when I realized you made it a habit to test me and bend me to see how far I could go without breaking, and you kept on and on, even when I was past the point of tearing. I spent my time with you imploding and exploding, waiting on any reciprocity I could keep, until my palms were shredded with wounds from refusal to release the rope I tied around to hope that maybe you’d someday love me like I needed – like I deserved. But you never did. We had our good moments, but there were too many times you treated me like like losing me wouldn’t make a difference to you. And sure, you had your sweet moments, you showed me kindness, you did things for me, you took me on dates, took me on trips, showed me the affection I was starving for. But, how much could that ever have actually meant, if you were still emotionally s...

My World Would Be So Different If I Didn’t Have Depression I often think about how to me morning and mourning are the same. What I mean to say is that the sun rises and somehow it hurts more than when I’m laying in the dark. What I really mean is that depression sometimes means waking up afraid of simply living – of just being. If I didn’t have depression I wouldn’t find solace in darkness. In that safe place where everything is equally familiar in heartbreak and in emptiness. In that space where it’s all blue, and all bruise, but all too comfortable. I wouldn’t stay up half the night because right now it’s better because right now is not tomorrow. Without depression, my world would consist a lot less of thinking in terms of exit signs. I wouldn’t do all the things I do just to escape myself, escape the aching, the even more petrifying nothingness. There wouldn’t be those moments where I have felt like my heart has left my body and taken everything with it, times where...

PRETTY LITTLE LIES There are the lies we tell ourselves when we believe somebody loves us and to only find out they  love parts of the you . There are the lies we tell to ourselves when we believe someone will change and you believe it is fear that gets in their way. There are the lies we believe when people play games from their ego and believe they do not cause pain, to maintain their goodness. There are the lies that we tell ourselves out of fear, of losing. There are the lies we tell ourselves, in that we believe that we are not wrong. The lies come from the pain, the hurt, the distrust, and the feelings of not being enough. The lies come from when were not heard, not accepted, from avoiding the hard things, from not listening, from anger, from fear, and ego. Those pretty little lies will break you and the people around you. ~GURNOOR

ALONE??? Spilling my ink on these ruled sheets, my painful tales I creatively repeat. You played with my heart like there was a game, but ironically my words still have your name. Your happiness was my sole concern ,when you gave me the hardest lesson to learn. I go alone on the same roads, on which your love to me you showed. Your absence has taught me to be strong , but your memories always ruin it all. The pain turns into never ending illusions but never attains a perfect conclusion .The drizzles all my pain conceals, all the scars that can never heal. You left me alone but your memories never really goes.On the hate I gather, my love still glows. I realize you have taken away some of its parts, as I carry this broken heart. You were such a beautiful distraction yet my one and only satisfaction. You touched my body yet not my soul, Leaving me broken to live alone, But there’s something that you have never known. I ain’t alone , because I am alone yet owned...